The Past

Sometimes, when the past come backs we feel apprehension, because we don't know what it brings with it. Sometimes it awakens dormant feelings of love, hurt, and even desolation. Perhaps, it comes back to tells us a story about what's going on in that part of our lives that we seem to have forgotten. Or it might come back to gloat and look at what it's done.

My past came back to visit me. It's been coming by for some time now, dropping in unannounced, uninvited. And I have been inviting it too. I don't know why. My past is painful, it brings back a torment and a great sorrow that has never left me. I feel it sometimes in the middle of the night. Just before the sun comes up, the pain sneaks up on me and claws at my soul, and kills the little it left behind. However, I've been welcoming it. I've been receiving it in my house, acting like nothing happened, I've been picking up its calls, I've even called it a few times myself.

And I ask myself why. Is it because, as most human beings, I'm a masochist. Or did I simply forget the tears, the weight of my heart trailing behind me. Did I forget the noise my heart made when it shattered, or when my dreams went down the drain. I think not. But I still don't have an answer for what I'm doing, for what I'm allowing to happen. Before, I just wanted the past to go away, sometimes, even now, I want it suffer as much as I did... No, I said that wrong, I want it to suffer more than I did.

So, why is it that I feel so good right now? Why did its voice fill a void left there by my present, maybe future. Why do I delight in hearing that it misses me, that it needs me, and that in some level, my past cannot get rid of me as easily as it would like. It;s wrong, I know it is.... But I simply don't care at this point. Maybe I'll regret it later, when I'm okay with my present, maybe future again. Maybe not. Maybe what I want is to get close so I can hurt it. So I can see it crushed with nowhere to go. Or the possibility that scares me most, I have not gotten over my past, and I want it as much as I wanted when it was my present. And I want it to miss me, and need me, but most of all... To take me back ... And make it all better again.