Llamada

Desde que me levanto el deseo de oir tu voz me inunda el alma.

Tu voz tan dulce, con su poder de sanar todas mis heridas y acallar mis miedos. Al mismo tiempo que enciende en mi la llama del amor y la pasion.

Si, esa voz que me hace suspirar y que llena mi estomago de mariposas que vuelan ansiosamente cuando pronuncias mi nombre....

Esa voz que puede herirme con su silencio, con su desprecio. La voz que a veces no entiende lo que es amar, o como se siente el rechazo.... porque yo nunca podria rechazar ese amor..... so, como puedes tu rechazar la mia?!

La voz que me atormenta en mis sueños, y que me sigue por doquier. Esa voz que a veces no quiere hablar conmigo y no le importa, y no responde a mi ruego silencioso de que no me deje nunca y que siempre me hable y me diga que me ama.

Pero no, hay veces que la voz cierra el telefono sin ningun problema, y me queda solo el recuerdo. El recuerdo que otras personas tienen a diario y que yo tengo un par de horas, el recuerdo de una llamada y de una voz eternamente enamorada.

Scream!!

I want to scream at you, maybe then you will hear me.

I want to scream at you and make you feel like a heel. Like something I can step on. Like you made me feel today.

Dicen que del amor al odio hay solo un paso. Y creo que hoy lo di. Te amaba, ahora te odio, y te lo quiero gritar a todo pulmon en la cara. Para que te duela.

Pero trust me, no te va a doler mas que a mi.

No se

No se que hacer.

Estoy perdida en mis ideas.
Perdida en un mar de sentimientos que me ahoga.... que me quema.
Perdida en mis miedos.
Perdida en mi pasado.
Perdida sin saber a donde ir, ni que decir, ni como reaccionar.

Solo quiero cerrar los ojos... abrirlos y que estes ahi.

Pero no se quien eres. Porque estoy perdida, and I can't seem to be able to find my way back.

The Past

Sometimes, when the past come backs we feel apprehension, because we don't know what it brings with it. Sometimes it awakens dormant feelings of love, hurt, and even desolation. Perhaps, it comes back to tells us a story about what's going on in that part of our lives that we seem to have forgotten. Or it might come back to gloat and look at what it's done.

My past came back to visit me. It's been coming by for some time now, dropping in unannounced, uninvited. And I have been inviting it too. I don't know why. My past is painful, it brings back a torment and a great sorrow that has never left me. I feel it sometimes in the middle of the night. Just before the sun comes up, the pain sneaks up on me and claws at my soul, and kills the little it left behind. However, I've been welcoming it. I've been receiving it in my house, acting like nothing happened, I've been picking up its calls, I've even called it a few times myself.

And I ask myself why. Is it because, as most human beings, I'm a masochist. Or did I simply forget the tears, the weight of my heart trailing behind me. Did I forget the noise my heart made when it shattered, or when my dreams went down the drain. I think not. But I still don't have an answer for what I'm doing, for what I'm allowing to happen. Before, I just wanted the past to go away, sometimes, even now, I want it suffer as much as I did... No, I said that wrong, I want it to suffer more than I did.

So, why is it that I feel so good right now? Why did its voice fill a void left there by my present, maybe future. Why do I delight in hearing that it misses me, that it needs me, and that in some level, my past cannot get rid of me as easily as it would like. It;s wrong, I know it is.... But I simply don't care at this point. Maybe I'll regret it later, when I'm okay with my present, maybe future again. Maybe not. Maybe what I want is to get close so I can hurt it. So I can see it crushed with nowhere to go. Or the possibility that scares me most, I have not gotten over my past, and I want it as much as I wanted when it was my present. And I want it to miss me, and need me, but most of all... To take me back ... And make it all better again.

Out

Fuera con todo lo que me traiga malos recuerdos.
Fuera con los numeros en mi celular.
Fuera con tus mensajes de texto.
Fuera con tus correos electronicos diciendo que me amabas.

Fuera con la tristeza.
Fuera con la hipocresia.
Fuera con tu sonrisa traicionera.
Fuera con tus palabras venenosas.

Fuera de mi corazon.
Fuera de mi vida.
Fuera con el daño que me haces.

Empty

No se porque, pero me siento vacia.

Siento como si me hubieran drenado de todo sentimiento, de toda felicidad, de toda esperanza para la vida. I look around and I ask myself why am I here? why am I so unhappy?

Is it because of the past... the present... the future or a combination of the three?
Is it because as a human I am never content with what I have?
Is it because lately you're too busy when I feel like talking.... when I feel like I venting.... when I miss you most.

Or is it because those moments of happiness are marred by those when you're gone, and there's no connection. And I can't hear you and I can't envision you.

I wish I could turn back time.... or move it forward to the point where we are together. And maybe, just maybe this emptiness will go away, and I will live through the brightness of your smile, lo contagioso de tu risa, y el amor de tus ojos.

Mientras, I will continue walking through life as if I'm not here.

Completely and utterly.... empty.